I hate your face
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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