turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
