listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
