My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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