I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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