The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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