I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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