Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
