I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
