left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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