At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
