I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
