I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
