I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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