I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
