Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
