dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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