i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
