you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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