you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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