he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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