ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize