she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
