have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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