Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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