ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My dick has a subreddit
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
