Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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