Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
