i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
