You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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