i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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