I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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