I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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