I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I yelled at your uterus for you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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