I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he shaved USA in his pubs
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
