I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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