I'm so fucking centered right now
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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