The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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