oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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