Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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