how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
