I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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