doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
