Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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