So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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