Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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