I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
