Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
