Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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