My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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