It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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