We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
