After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
