you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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