ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
