i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
