now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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