my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
